You play yourself every time you say that you don't care when you really do. You are catching flights and feelings and that's okay. It's so frustrating when people dismiss your feelings so, why in the hell are you doing it to yourself? Contrary to what you may have been told, there is power in vulnerability. Acknowledging that something hurt you isn't weak, it's mature. You can't make anyone be honest with you so at least be honest with yourself.
I do understand that masking yourself as nonchalant is a defense mechanism but it doesn't always serve you. Save your poker face for the casino and the conference room, not for those you love. Sometimes situations between friends, family, and partners become way bigger than what they needed to be because no one wants to communicate their feelings. Instead, they want to have a contest on who can give the less f*cks. How many times do you hear someone talk about a person they're estranged from and they say "I honestly forgot what we were even fighting about". I recently read a quote that said "Pride will always be the longest distance between two people". Isn't that the truth?
There's a fine line between being someone who doesn't take crap from anyone and a person who lacks communication skills. Not every situation causes for a conversation but the ones that do, should be had. It is imperative that you bring humility, your truth, and an open mind to those conversations. Try to understand the other side, you may learn something. Think about the person you love the most. Have you hurt their feelings before regardless if it was intentional? Malicious intent isn't always the root of the dispute. Sometimes it's simply miscommunication. When situations arise and you pretend you don't care, you aren't just dismissing that person. You are dismissing your feelings as well. When you show the people you love that they aren't worth a conversation, they will believe it.
No one wants to be seen as weak, I get it. Just understand that it is easy to avoid confrontation. The block button is so accessible. However, it takes courage, maturity, and humility to open up. We have to move away from the notion that the one who reaches out first is the one who lost the argument. It's not a matter of winning or losing, because what are you really gaining outside of ego? Get in the mindset of fighting for a resolution, not fighting to "win". You will lessen your chances of losing the people you love who are overall good people to have in your life but fell short of perfection a few times, just like you have too.
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