Single but Taken: A Thief Called Situationship

You download a "Break-Up Playlist" but you feel like you technically aren't even qualified to use it because you were never even in a relationship to begin with. There's this obsession I've noticed that a lot of people have with doing relationship things but just as friends. The boundaries are nonexistent. All the feelings, time, and acts of love were there except for the title which makes the end of it hurt even more. Everything you worked to build up to fell flat right before the finish line. You feel robbed of time, energy, and even a proper breakup. When they move on is really the kicker. You see them giving the next person everything you two had but with a title. You begin to wonder where did you miss the mark?  You were as attentive and as loving as they come. They loved you, their family loved you, you created memories together, and it was no secret to the world how you two felt about each other. Yet, with less time, someone else was given everything that you wanted from them and can truly call them theirs. 

What made that new person so special that no matter what you gave and how much, they will still choose them over you? I know that's the way we tend to analyze everything in "situationships". In reality, there's someone out there for everyone. What isn't yours will never peacefully stay. It's like you trying to keep fitting into those heels from 7 years ago. Honey, they are done. The only thing you can promise yourself is to be more mindful of how you got here and how to avoid getting here again. Situationships, like relationships, take little steps to get to where they are. They don't just happen overnight. Each decision where boundaries weren't established or stuck to, added life to the situationship.  Here we're going to identify what a situationship brewing to happen looks like.

"I'm not looking for anything serious right now but I might be open to it later"

I like to call statements like these No with Benefits. People typically know when they want to pursue something with someone or not. What makes it complicated is selfishness. Some people want access to you and what you have to offer but don't want the responsibility of fully reciprocating what you give them. They don't want to commit to you but would be more than happy to reap the benefits of what it would be like to be committed to you. You all can travel the world, have passionate sex on a boat, go to their cousin's wedding, and even move in, but just as friends. That's why it's important that when they say they don't want anything serious, you hold them up to that. Me, I'm not going to try to speak to your love language when you don't want love and aren't worried about mine. I learned how to tell a man instantly that I don't play girlfriend when things are suggested outside of the boundaries of friends. I'm not going over your grandmother's house on Thanksgiving to be your friend.  If you don't want anything serious, stand on that. That "no" to a relationship must be solid, meaning no mixed signals and no to the benefits of fully having me. 

"I'm sorry, I've just been really busy *Insert Same Vague Excuses*"

The beautiful thing about inconsistency is that it is very telling. Everyone is busy but we prioritize what's important. How they balance you in their life is a reflection on how far they want to take things. They keep you at arms length because if you get too close, then real conversations like future plans will come up. Maybe you hit a point where you two already got that close. You've been playing a couple for quite some time but lately, the only consistent thing has been their inconsistency. That's them pulling away. They can't fulfill what they promised. Things have gotten too far to the point where the next step is commitment which is something they do not want with you. 

"Wyd? Wanna come over tonight?"

They "What are you doing" you to death and only make last-minute plans. They try to keep the deep conversations at a minimum and keep the cuddling at a maximum. Whenever they feel like being loved on and affirmed, they call you. There's typically not a lot of effort put into spending time with you. When you have their full attention it's when they just want to jump your bones. 

"I know you're bored but this is all I can offer you"

You'll be lucky if anyone is this honest with you. Situationships get boring. There's going to be a point where you're just going to want more. You can't do casual anymore. You want something more fulfilling. You want passion with safety meaning you want to feel that it is safe to fall for them without your feelings being dismissed. You want true balance. You want someone to call your person and to feel confident that they are. The person you're in a situationship with is a text buddy at this point. You only get parts of them. No more putting your needs to the side to accommodate them and what they want. That's robbing you of so much. 

"Okay Raven, since you know so much, what should I do then?"

Other than share this blog post, you can pay attention to the signs. Truly listen to what they are saying. When they speak, are they making the things they want sound "casual"? "I just want somebody cool to chill with" is a big difference from "I'm looking for someone to get to know and build with." If things start off not sounding so casual but they begin to act emotionally unavailable later, pay attention to that too. You have a say so in what you two have as well. it's not all up to them. We can't control what other people do but we can control when it's time for us to exit. The sooner you see the signs, the sooner you'll be able to stop engaging with those who can't comprehend your value. You're too good to be someone's part-time lover. Be loved and loved fully.