“That’s Just How I Am”: Okay Then Work On It

A hard pill to swallow for those who attach their flaws to their Identity is that not everyone is going to accept “That’s just how I am”. It may work for some people which is why that’s their automatic response when their behavior is addressed, but I guarantee that it will not work for all. The truth about “That’s just how I am” is that it is the golden response from someone who lacks accountability. Instead of taking action towards the issue they are fully aware of, they accepted that is their issue and you must accept it too. “Love it or leave it” they may say. 

My jaw tightened and I thought about how could I effectively communicate my feelings without starting with “Listen Bitch…”.  Once again, she spoke to me in that demeaning tone I asked her not to take with me. A big personality can be a joy to be around or draining. I admired her ferocity but with balance. The best way to describe her is someone who did not know how to talk to people. The way she says things can easily rub someone the wrong way. You can be a stranger or you can be a friend, you will not be exempted from her sharp tone and abrasive words. She even bragged about it sometimes, being this blunt person who “don’t play”.

I must admit. I ignored little comments here and there but it was getting old to me and those around us. Then one day, it was one time too many for me. “You know, I don’t like the way you’re talking to me. The way you say things offends me.” She looked confused at first then assured me that it wasn’t personal. She just talks “like that”. The fact of the matter is, that’s not an excuse. I will never get used to that because that doesn’t coincide with the standard of respect that I hold for myself,  and what I hold others to with having with me. I expressed that it was still something I do not tolerate regardless and to be more mindful in the future. 

I’ve had to have conversations like this in the past with family and friends. One commonality I noticed among all of them is that they are fully aware of their behavior, but there’s no urgency to change it because those around them allow it and accept it as apart of their identity. However, there is a point where people get tired of it but they respond with avoidance instead of confrontation. The abrasive person will post “If you can’t handle me then stay away from me” then a week later vent about how no one is ever there for them and it's them against the world. One reason why they are lonely is because those around them get tired of their curt responses and leave instead of saying “You may be this way but I refuse to allow you to be that way with me , so you’re going to have to exercise new habits,”

The fact of the matter is we all have flaws that we struggle with and we all have a reason why we have them. I truly believe experiences from our childhood have an impact on how we are molded today but that’s another blog post for another time. When we address the behavior as well as their go-to excuse of just being that way, it usually follows with a story about why they are the way that they are. “People used to walk over me and say whatever they want to me as a kid and now the paradigm has shifted.” That sucks but we all have been through things and just because you are miserable doesn’t mean everyone else has to be too. That may sound mean but you are doing people a disservice by accepting their excuses. It’s also not fair to you to become collateral damage as a result of it.  

Fast forward, after many slip-ups and me telling her “don’t talk to me like that” I noticed how she thinks before she says things, at least to me. You know why? Because I teach people how to treat me, and that’s just how I AM. The great thing about habits is that you can form them and break them. You don’t have to love it or leave it. We are our best project and our greatest investment.