The Fuck Boy Glossary

"It's complicated. I just don't know how to describe him." Well, you're in luck because now you can with The Fuck Boy Glossary. Fuck Boys aren't always your traditional "I swear she's my cousin" and "Can I borrow your car", freshly lined-up, nightmare in a Nike Tech suit. There's a variety of species. Read this thorough alphabetical list of Fuck Boys for clarity. 

The Andy Warhoe: This is the artsy fuck boy. He will look you deep into your eyes through his giant non-prescription glasses and tell you that you are his muse. He smells like Dr.Bronners, Cannabis and lies. He claims to be unconventional and misunderstood but you can look up #localartist on instagram and find at least 4 people who look, walk, and talk like him. He will claim that relationships are a societal construct and he believes in just experiencing the energy of others. He doesn't commit out of "protest". 

The Cicada: Just Like the insect, he comes back every few years just to bug you. He usually comes back when you're doing well or simply looking a bit too happy without him. He likes to reminisce on old memories like the time you guys went to the movies and then drove around, talking about life. However, he struggles to remember the reason why he got cut off. 

The Conventionally Unattractive Fuck Boy: He's the ugly-cute boy that you gave a chance and had you telling your friends "Well, looks aren't everything". His advantage is that women typically get burned by the traditional, handsome fuck boy, so now they are willing to look beyond physical features. Woefully, these women find out that he is ugly on the inside and the outside. Now they are back at square one. 

The Emotionally Unavailable Fuck Boy: After not reading the paragraph that you sent him, his phone automatically suggests three responses for him to choose from: Huh?, Wow..., and Ok. Expressing what you feel he's done wrong is unnecessary simply because he already knows. He just does not care. Despite what he says, the feelings you have for him are not mutual. If you are seeking reciprocation from him, you will always be begging for it because he does not give it. He has poor communication skills until you're about to leave him. 

The Entitled Earl: He often asks when you are going to cook for him. He expects everything you have to offer within a relationship but without the title. He enjoys commenting on your snapchat stories "You're not wearing that. Go put some clothes on" while he messages other women to tell them that they're getting thick. 

The Glory Day Fuck Boy: This fuck boy typically peaks in High School or College. He believes that holds some sort of validity in the real world and that he's still "got it". He enjoys telling women that he used to have a huge crush on them regardless of never once acknowledging their existence except to borrow a pencil. He also likes to brag about his past athletic achievements or fights. 

The Heauxtep: He typically wears 7 Ashanti beads on each wrist. He claims to be Vegan but he tweeted that the Popeyes Chicken Sandwich was overrated then quickly deleted it. He spends his free time slut shaming, watching conspiracy theory documentaries, praying to Umar Johnson, and making African Black soap. He has a secret crush on Gwen Stefani 

The Hobosexual: You are the love of his life and the apple of his eye. You are his moon, stars, and you feel like home. No, literally. He tells you that you feel like home because he needs somewhere to stay. Once he leaves his game console in your living room, you have his full cooperation until he finds somewhere else to live. 

The Natural Enthusiast: He enjoys posting throwback pictures of women celebrities in the 90's with the caption "Bring real bodies back!". He tells you that he doesn't like girls who wear make-up. He encourages you to tone it down. Soon after, you drop your phone at the side of his bed and find a pair of eyelashes in between the bed and the nightstand. 

The Nice Fuck Boy: He doesn't know that he's a fuck boy. He thinks he's a stand up guy because he told you that he doesn't want a relationship. However, he throws out mixed signals and says things that conflict with his stance on not wanting commitment. He's sweet but he is selfish. There is a lack of consideration for your feelings. He will make you confused. He will take you on dates, give you gifts, and ask you to meet his family but he will never ask you to be his girlfriend. 

The Old Head: You believe an older man is more mature and refined. He has lived out his glory days and is looking to settle down. However, like chicken pox, the older you get, the worse. They are senior manipulators. They are well-equipped to gaslight any situation. They've been bullshitting since the 80's. They have never stopped playing and they never will. They enjoy wasting their years wasting women's time. 

The Poet: He spends the evening complimenting your energy and your vibe. He has a way with words. He likes to write fake-deep captions and discuss absolutism. His apologies sound beautiful but they aren't the best because the best is changed behavior. His advantage is "the gift of gab". After a while though, his captivating words become obsolete because his actions will always fall short. 

The Seat Filler: He doesn't care who you are as long as you just hold him. He struggles with being alone. He would be classified as a serial dater but I wouldn't classify smoking in his car as a date. He misses his ex but is willing to do everything to get her back but change. As he patiently waits for her to lower her standards again, he tries to get as many women as possible to keep him company in the meantime. 

The Traditional Fuck Boy: He is the 6"0" ft devil in grey sweatpants that paved the way for the conventionally unattractive fuck boy to play you. With his rich looks and poor communication, he will have you drinking tequila and googling "How to be strong". He's a textbook narcissist with amazing cologne. He's good for the eye but bad for the heart. 

The Vampire: He's draining and you only see him at night. He claims to be very busy yet doesn't have much to show for it. He tends to be the victim in every situation. Your valid feelings is deemed as negativity. He claims to be going through a lot as if that justifies the way he treats you.