You Don't Need A Ride or Die You Need a Therapist

"You're going to leave me just like everyone else in my life, huh?" Yes. Yes, I am, I replied as I dug into my purse for my keys. There was once upon a time when I would see someone broken and felt that is was my responsibility to fix them with my love. You know, that "stay down and build him up", one-sided mess a lot of us have been conditioned to believe. Then through experience, I came to realize that women are not rehabilitation centers for men and their change isn't contingent on our love. So to be frank, being a "Ride or Die" is a scam. 

I briefly dated someone who came from a family with a lot of issues. He felt ignored by his parents, his oldest brother was a wild boy, and they experienced a lot of economic hardship. Let the record show, I have a heart for everything that he's been through. However, I was not willing to allow him to justify his lying, ingenuity, and manipulation towards me because he had a hard life. The reality is I had a hard life too. Nonetheless, nothing I've been through will ever vindicate me from accountability. If I don't accept excuses from myself, I damn sure will not accept them from others. Like, damn. It's messed up you watched your auntie fall down the stairs when you were 5 but what does that that have to do with you cheating on me?

Now, I am fully aware of how our past experiences can impact how we cope. However, it's been my experience that the romantic partners that blame their hardship on how they treat others expect this undying loyalty. They want you to never leave them no matter what. Hell, some of them expect you to figure life out for them. They can push you close one day then push you far the next. They can use and abuse you. They will do all these things and say "I never saw real love growing up and if you leave, I will never know". Truth be told, it is not your responsibility to make sure they know love in their life especially when they refuse to learn how to treat it. Instead of seeking therapy they will drive a woman into therapy. The only thing you will get out of it is to be able to say you are their "Ride or Die" which is no way near as cool as walking in love and whole.

I want to make something very clear. Those kinds of men put themselves first at all times. When you are on the cusp of being fed-up, they will use your sympathy to draw you back in. Sis, he's been through a lot but is it necessary for him to put you through a lot too? Although our past experiences may impact how we cope it is our responsibility to do the work and truly be accountable for our actions as we do it. If you don't know how to love people without hurting them then leave people alone until you do learn. Do not ask someone to be your stress ball. It's selfish. It's okay to have support but it's not okay to use people's love and kindness as a convenient escape from yourself. Treat others with the love and integrity you should have been given. Trauma does not have to be your identity nor act as a pass for your bad behavior. A ride or die can not rid you of the oozing scars you refuse to properly address.

Listen, you can be sympathetic towards those who are mentally tormented without putting your life on the line. Contrary to what they may tell you, it is not you that can heal them. You will be forever giving and he will be forever taking. It is imperative to give support without giving your sanity. It is even more important to know when to walk away and be at peace doing so when the person you're with refuses to take the proper channels to help themselves. If not, someone is going to crack. Don't let it be you. So yeah, don’t ask me to be your “Ride or Die”. My license is suspended.