I Don't Have to Date You Just Because You're Nice

If you’re going to be nice to me, be nice to me because you’re genuinely a kind person. Do not offer me a friendship with motives.  One of my friendships ended because of this. A few years ago, I met a guy who appeared to be really sweet. As I got to know him, he admitted to me that he initially reached out to me because he found me attractive. I was flattered but more importantly honest. I expressed to him that I like us as friends and I do not have any romantic feelings for him. He said that was fine and still wanted us to continue our friendship. That’s exactly what we did. However, I noticed as our friendship carried on, there was some passive aggression that began to creep in. 

I had no problem helping him through his problems, giving him dating advice or being an ear to vent to. However, when I was going through turbulence in my dating life, he’d make snide, entitled remarks. He’d say comments under his breath like “You gave him 2 chances and you won’t even give me one”. I started paying close attention to his words and actions. He celebrated all of my break-ups and even tried to sabotage the process of me dating a mutual friend of ours. Our friendship was officially toxic. I confronted him because this behavior was simply not okay. I couldn’t just let this go, he needed to be held accountable. 

I got all my thoughts together because I did not want to miss a single detail. I called him and got straight to the point. I told him if his attraction to me was that strong he should have never offered his friendship and pretend that being friends with me was cool with him. As much as he claimed to be my friend, he wasn’t. He only wanted me to be happy if it meant being happy with him. That’s not friendship. Your friend’s fails are not supposed to be celebrated or seen as an opportunity for you to capitalize off of. Being there for me should not be you figuring out how to infiltrate your agenda. Lastly, that “Nice Guy” that you think you are is a mirage. Nice guys don’t go around saying they’re nice guys. They just are. 

There were a few seconds of silence. It didn’t matter to me if he replied because I wasn’t looking for answers. They were right there in his actions. He cleared his throat and took a deep breath. “Honestly, I only wanted to be your friend because I thought that if you really liked my personality, you’ll fall for me.” I wanted to rip his stupid little voice out through the phone. “You keep dating guys that I know for a fact that I’m better than. It’s frustrating.” He whines. Honestly, he didn’t know these guys from a can of paint and in reality, he wasn’t better than them. The real frustration of his was that his plan was unsuccessful. 

When someone tells you they don’t want to be with you, believe them. I never led him on and I was completely honest with him. I know it’s been preached over and over to “Be their friend first and then their lover” but that does not mean to build a friendship off of motives. That’s manipulative, especially when someone has already expressed their disinterest. Although friends falling for each other is possible, don’t depend on that possibility.  Be prepared for the fact that your feelings may not be mutual. Then evaluate if that friendship is important enough to keep or not after you know your romantic feelings aren’t reciprocated. Don’t maintain a friendship off of false hope and selfish intentions.  

He continued the conversation by trying to guilt me into feeling bad about turning him down. He told me that I don’t really like “nice guys” because he was one and I did not like him. Manipulators favorite thing to do is make you feel accountable for their shortcomings. We both knew that his accusations were false. I like guys who are actually nice guys, not guys who know how to be nice in order to get what they want. Even if a guy is nice I still have the right to not be interested. Being nice doesn’t mean we are automatically compatible (I wonder if he dated every nice girl he’s met). Making me feel guilty for not being attracted to him was his new agenda and that failed too. All he did was solidify my thoughts. I was relieved I did not give him a chance. All I saw was someone who was sneaky, possessive and entitled. He was way worse than any guy I ever vented to him about. I’m not a lazy girl but I sure do love when the trash just takes itself out.