You May Not Cheat but you Still Suck as a Partner.

I was dating a guy who literally matched all my interest and spoke my love language. We loved the same music, art, and  style. We traveled and shared so many adventures together from concerts, basketball games, to Jazz clubs. We taught and showed each other so much. He always made me feel wanted. He used to surprise me with flowers, cards of appreciation and even had a fruit bouquet delivered to my house to thank me for a date. I showered him with gifts and tokens of appreciation as well. He won over my family and friends and I won over his. We talked from sun up to sun down. We were both introverted but never got tired of each other’s presence and couldn’t wait to unite every time we part.

 Then we hit a place of no return. All this time I thought we were in a relationship but in reality, we were in a “situationship”. His “crazy ex” turned out to just be an ex that he couldn’t leave in the past. Once my intuition revealed this to me. He lied, and manipulated me into distrusting my judgment, and tried everything in his power to keep me around, whilst still maintaining some form of communication with his ex. He liked her at his convenience. I was crushed. Not only was he disloyal to what we had, he was my best friend. Nonetheless, I lost him and kept myself instead.

 I ripped the heads off of all the roses he gave me and warmed my fireplace with his letters. I gave away all the jackets he used to keep me warm with when I ditched mine for the sake of my outfit. I couldn’t even stand to look at him to return his things. I vowed to myself that I will never be in this position again. I will never feel this way again. I will never allow anyone to treat me like less than what I am. Unlike him, I am capable of keeping promises. I blocked him on all social media, avoided him at all cost, and focused on moving forward. I didn’t even get revenge. I didn’t want to be bitter, I just wanted to be better.

For months I interchanged between sad, angry, denial, more angry, sad, to finally indifferent. I began to feel like myself. I was frowning less and going out more. Freedom hit me. One particular night a friend invited me out to this little nightclub in the city. I met up with her and we rode the rest of the way together. After a long night of shots of Jameson and a lot of singing, and a little twerking, I met a guy at the end of the night. He was sweet, respectful, and someone who was definitely worth having my number. We texted for a little bit, and he asked me out to breakfast. I danced around the question because getting back out there felt like a new world again. After a few phone conversations, I felt comfortable enough to accept a date.

I can honestly say that this was the cutest date I’ve been on. We went to this chill, adult arcade in this cute little hipster neighborhood in Chicago. We had a blast. After, we went out for ramen. He was definitely a gentleman and an upgrade in many areas. He was handsome, goal-oriented, and confident. He didn’t have a girlfriend or any girls out there that thought they were his girlfriend. He hasn't been in a relationship for years. We continued to date for months. That’s when I came into this realization.

He was an honest person and didn’t have anything to hide. That was something I wasn’t used to. Majority of my relationships came to an end due to the man being unfaithful and/or dishonest. This wasn’t him. However, he had other qualities that didn’t make him a good partner. He was self-absorbed. I dismissed it as “only child-syndrome” but it was deeper than that. He couldn’t see past his own world. When I expressed my feelings, he processed them as “trying to have an argument.” My feelings, wants and needs were obsolete in his eyes. I had to adapt to his world and reciprocation was draining for him. I noticed his other relationships with other people and watched the same pattern. Although I knew it wasn’t personal, it was still an issue for me. I grew to know his entire family and all his friends. I spent a lot of time in his world which he insisted on bringing me into. However, he’s never even walked in my house. He never leaves his comfort zone.

As a result of being self-absorbed, he didn’t care about world affairs either. If he isn’t directly affected, he doesn’t have a heart for it. That was a big issue for me as an empath. Another thing is, he lacked communication skills. He spent a lot of his life in his solitude, so he wasn’t used to discussing his feelings. He’d rather let things play out instead of just talking about them. It was almost like pulling teeth for him to discuss what was on his mind. When he did open up a little, he was limited to only his perspective, so he couldn’t even conceptualize my logic towards anything. He labeled himself as difficult which saddened me because he didn’t have to be. Due to being a very busy person and never mastering balance, his relationships, free-time, and social life always fell short. That has always been a problem for him and unfortunately, it became a way of life for him. He didn’t understand my love language. Not because he was a bad person, he never learned balance and how to think of other things outside of himself and his career.

Although I knew he wasn’t a liar or a cheater, I knew that I will always get the short end of the stick with him unless he learned how to prioritize. At first, I was a little more adamant on working things out because I knew he was a loyal person but then I had to realize that isn’t the only fundamental quality that is imperative to having a healthy relationship. Your partner has to feel wanted and appreciated. Not taken for granted. Love is about choosing, and I want the man who never stops choosing me. There are other things you have to bring to the table. So yes, you may not cheat but you still suck as a partner.