I Don't Need Your Apology to Move On

I’ve learned that there is power in a proper apology but not as much as you think. It’s your responsibility to move on. No one can make you stop dwelling on anything. As easy as it is said than done, you control your thoughts. I remember sitting down with people who’ve hurt me, waiting for their apology to free me. The apology may have been a genuine one, but I still struggled to move past the things that they did to me. I spiraled down a hole filled with thoughts of “Why did they do what they did?”  “Why did they think it was warranted?” and “Did I do anything to attract it?” I kept reliving it no matter how many times they said “sorry”. That’s when I realized that my push forward isn’t going to come from the hands that hurt me. Even if it felt a little bit better, the rest was up to me. 

Another thing about apologies is that they aren’t always genuine. Apologies from people who do not tell the truth mean absolutely nothing. They typically come from a selfish place. Some people apologize for the sake of their reputation. They want to be vindicated from any kind of scrutiny they are facing from the result of their actions. Sociopaths write some of the most beautiful apologies. Another reason people give selfish apologies is that they want you to be accessible to them. When you talk things out and they apologize, they want to use the two of you being on good terms to their advantage. When you end off on a good note, they feel more comfortable asking you if they can be in your space again. They may say “I’m glad this is all water under the bridge now. Let’s get coffee sometime.” Fast-forward, they are back in your world and in a space where they are susceptible to doing what they did to you again the first time. 

In short, this is why it is best to close doors on your own. You do not need an explanation. The explanation most likely won’t be the truth or it just very well may not be what you thought you needed to move on. I’m not saying don’t forgive, accept apologies, or even expect them. I am just saying do not allow your healing to be contingent on them.