Sex Too Soon?

We sat at the bar, spilling tea and sipping mimosas. Every time my girls and I get together the conversations are always thought provoking regardless if they were ever intended to be. One of my girls went on to tell us about this amazing guy that she met who asked her out at 12pm instead of 12am. She was blushing whilst naming all the incredible qualities he possesses, he’s an answered prayer. Mid-sentence, my other candid girlfriend abruptly asked “So, did y’all fuck?” She instantly hopped off of cloud nine and back to the ground to answer her question. “No, we did not “fuck” because I want him to respect me” she says in a tone that screams “duh”. “Being a sexual being doesn’t devalue you.” My girl snapped back. The dialogue continued but after hearing both sides, which both had valid points, I developed my own thoughts. Is there a such thing as having sex too soon? Yes. Is your value contingent on how quickly you choose to have sex? No. Before you scratch your head, re-read this, and let out a big “HUH?” let me explain.

I never believed in the notion that having a “6-month rule” or suppressing your sexual tension solely to prove that you are a respectable person was accurate. I feel as though that way of thinking is outdated, toxic, and needs to be scrapped completely. If you entering me brings down my value, then that just says something about you and your depreciating dick. I’m just saying.  Many women hold themselves to these strict standards to prove that they are worthy. We brain-washed ourselves to think that the woman who waited a year to have sex with her man is more respectable than the woman who waited two months. What does that prove? Waiting does not guarantee a man will value you. There’s women who waited until marriage who are getting cheated on, lied to, and taken for granted. I’m not saying waiting until marriage or whatever time frame you’re comfortable with is wrong, I am just saying that it does not make you more or less valuable. We have to stop equating sex to self-worth all the time. We definitely have to stop blaming women “giving it up too fast” for men’s shortcomings.  If you want to wait, wait because you don’t feel ready. Not because you’re afraid that makes you any less respectable. We need to stop pushing that narrative on others as well as ourselves.

Now earlier, I mentioned that I agree that there is a such thing as having sex too soon. However, that has nothing to do with value. It has to do with distraction. Have you ever heard of being “Dickmatized”? It’s one of the leading causes of stress in the United States (Just kidding) but it is easy to confuse infatuation with love when sex is in the equation. If we are getting to know each other, and we get intimate, and your intimacy has me singing Motown oldies, skipping to work, and cutting my sandwiches into heart shapes, and stars, I may think that I am in love. I may think that I really know you and we got as close as we can possibly get. I may even subconsciously over-look some things because the sex is amazing. Then down the line, when I get used to the “do” and I am seeing things for what they are, I may discover that we aren’t as compatible as I thought. Had I waited to really get to know you more, I would have been able to see some of those things much sooner. Sex is a beautiful thing, but it can be blinding. It is imperative to keep an open eye and not ignore red flags in the midst of building a relationship with someone. Your sexual connection being stronger than your actual connection to each other can be detrimental. I have to be solidified in knowing that I’m into you. Not just me being into you being in to me, if you know what I mean.

In conclusion, the perfect timing for intimacy has always been a debatable subject. What I can say for a fact is you choosing when to have sex does not mean that you are less valuable or more valuable. The best time to have sex is when you are totally comfortable to do so, and comfortable at the stage you are in with your partner.