You want to know something? We used to jam to “It Wasn’t Me” by Shaggy but that song isn’t nothing’ but gaslighting with a cute Caribbean beat. Here’s one of the verses.
“Let's review the situation that you're caught up inna.
To be a true player you have to know how to play.
If she says a night, convince her say a day.
Never admit to a word when she says
And if she claims ah you tell her baby no way”
The song sounds ridiculous and funny but to be completely honest, this is a lot of people’s reality. This is one of the tactics of a Sociopath and the cycle of a Narcissist. It’s called gaslighting. Gaslight is to manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity. You caught your boyfriend flirting with someone and he’ll quickly tell you that you are overreacting. He was just being nice. Then he will tell you that you need to be more secure. These people are fluent in lying. They will have you over-analyzing yourself and come into some false epiphany that you’re just dating a kind man who is overly nice to everyone including pretty women. These are the type of men who will comment heart eyes under another girl’s pictures then when confronted, tell you that it’s “just Instagram” and that you are taking social media entirely too seriously. They will make you feel stupid and guilty for something they did. It is IMPERATIVE that you are cognizant of the signs and cycles of gas lighting. After being gaslighted for so long, they will be able to be caught red-handed and your mind will still be convinced that your reality is distorted and that your eyes are lies. Do not allow anyone to drive you to the brink of insanity to erode your reality.
They Speak with Such Conviction
It’s their story and they are sticking to it. These people are able to portray so much confidence and assertiveness when they speak. They sound so sure, they will make you think you "got it all wrong". They don’t flinch, and they will look you straight in the eyes. They will even make a weird face at you like you’re crazy for confronting them. “We were at the same party, but I didn’t even speak to her or know that she was coming. You’re really crazy to even suggest that I will bring my ex to a party with my family. Everyone knows about you and plus you know that the girl is nuts. She literally just popped up probably because she’s friends with my sister still. I stayed completely clear from her. I wish you can just trust me.” Sound familiar? These gaslighters are typically smart and calculated people. They know how to lie and add just the right things to it for decoration. They will turn around and have you apologizing at the end. Then they'll say "It's okay, I completely understand and see how you could have thought that. I just need you to start trusting me."
They Change the Subject
They make you feel like bringing up something that hurts you is really just you trying to start an argument. They totally disregard your feelings and make you feel like you are being a negative person. “Look, I had a rough day and anything I do you seem to take issue with. I really don’t need any negativity in my life. I just want to relax. I am going through so much (then proceeds to tell you about cousin you never heard of getting shot)” Sound familiar my love? You’ll be taking them to task then next thing you know you’re trying to figure out how you can be there for them since they’re under "so much stress".
They Twist Your Words and Put the Blame on You
Example, you tell your significant other that you aren’t comfortable with them following their ex on social media. They will promise to honor your request. Later you will notice that they are interacting with their ex on social media. When you confront them, they’ll say “You like guys pictures on social media and I don’t say anything about it because I’m not insecure” or they will say, “I thought you said that you don’t take social media seriously and that you trust me? Why are you always trying to look for a problem?” Next thing you know you’ll stop liking anyone of the opposite sex’s photos. Blocking any guy who gives you a compliment, and going on to take any kind of accountability for what they have done.
They Try to Discredit You
When they can’t control you, they try to control the narrative. You have had enough. You left them. You are at a point where you are reclaiming your peace and speaking your truth. You’re honest with your family and friends about the break-up and what kind of things went on in the relationship. However, his gaslighting ass tries to beat you to the punch. They will try to contact old classmates, friends, and family members solely to spit on your name. They will make up these soap-opera kind of stories about you that make you look like the Satan’s baby sister and them a victim. They will tell people you were promiscuous, cheated on them, used them, abused them, stole from them, deceived them, anything that makes you sound like someone who can’t be trusted. They will take scenarios that really happened but switch the facts to where it sound like you are at fault. The two of you could have had a bad argument and you knocked over a vase as you stormed out. He will tell people you through the vase at his head. Anything they can say to make you sound irrational and untrustworthy, they have a story written by them, ready to publish.
I want you to know that you are not crazy and you are not stupid. Lies are their native tongue. These people are calculated, charming, and convincing. These are the kind of people who are the CEO of major companies. Their game is smart as well as it is sick. However, there is a way out. The first step is knowing that you are even in this. That’s why it is important for you to identify these signs. Do not allow or continue to allow anyone to piss on you and tell you that it is rain. If you know you are being disrespected, hurt, and lied to, trust yourself. Contrary to their belief, you are not imagining these feelings. They are there. So yeah, Shaggy. It was you!
I couldn't even make it through this entire article in one sitting. Through 5 years of marriage and a total of 9 years of a relationship, I never knew what gaslighting was. But I'll be damned if that wasn't my reality every day. It helped so much when I found there was a name for it and I wasn't crazy. Going into my new relationship I was all about boundaries. I remember looking at my future boyfriend and telling him that if he mocked me when I cried I was out. He was horrified. It wasn't until that moment that I realized how terrible that behavior was. Never again.
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