The Silent Treatment is Emotional Abuse: Let’s Stop Normalizing It

Let’s make one thing clear. “Cooling off” is not synonymous with “The Silent Treatment”. In a healthy relationship, your partner will express to you that they need time to cool off because they aren’t in the proper head-space nor emotional state to have a productive conversation with you. However, the silent treatment is a different story. The silent treatment is a control mechanism. This tactic is a toxic form of punishment used to mold someone to do what you want them to do.

You may have been late showing up for dinner. Instead of addressing it, your partner refuses to speak to you the whole meal. After the meal, they cut all communication off with you for days. You sit around with this impending doom taking over you. You are wondering will the last disagreement be the final. They finally start to speak to you again. You two make plans to meet up again. Traffic is pretty bad and you’re now freaking out, near panic-attack because you know that if you are a minute late, this may be the end of the relationship this time. Being ignored can cause emotional distress and threaten your basic psychological needs. The “unknown” causes extreme anxiety and makes you feel ostracized. Every human wants to feel needed and important to someone and they take advantage of that. Without communication, you are left with no indication of how this person is actually feeling other than angry. You don’t know if they are angry enough to walk out of your life, seek someone else out of revenge, or what they plan to do next at all. All you know is that this person is not speaking to you and the possibilities with what comes with that are endless. It leaves you feeling powerless, ashamed, and willing to do or say anything to get them to acknowledge you again. A lot of times, you end up apologizing for disagreements that you weren’t even in the wrong for just so they will talk to you. Subconsciously, you begin to prioritize them speaking to you before your valid feelings. 

In extreme cases, the victim has no clue what they’ve done. They can have a nice evening and the next day, their partner is completely ignoring them. 3 days later, they hear from the abuser, only to find out they were being ignored for 3 days because they had their phone out at the dinner table. Now the victim is walking on eggshells, scared that one meager move can result in them getting blocked for the week or potentially forever. This is not normal and completely despicable. It's controlling and abusive. Emotional abuse is just as painful as physical abuse. In fact, studies show that victims of emotional abuse or more likely to suffer from the effects of PTSD compared to victims of physical abuse. Let’s be clear, I am in no way minimizing physical abuse. The emotional and mental abuse comes before things get physical which is why it is important to be cognizant of these kinds of tactics. A lot of triggers for victims of physical abuse are emotional things they’ve endured that lead to the slap to the face. That is why these victims get very afraid when they think their partner is mad at them or feel like they’re being ignored. They’ve been trained that any mistake or act in general, can lead to a painful result.  It’s harder to heal internally versus externally. 

Here is how you disarm these silent, passive-aggressive people. If they are ignoring you, don’t acknowledge it bothers you. Don’t constantly reach out, sub them on social media, or contact their friends and family about them. This is not out of pride. The silent treatment is calculated which means they are expecting a certain reaction. When you give them that reaction, you are telling them that it is working, and they will use it again in the future. It’s kind of like when you’re told to let your baby cry and the baby will stop. When you run to the baby every single time they cry, they will continue to cry just because they know that you’re coming. These people behave the same way. (Only it's cute for babies, not grown ass adults). Once you see control tactics becoming a pattern, it is imperative that you cut the person off. When someone is impacting your mental health and trying to control you, it’s time to cut ties with them because it will get worst. This is where the abuse begins to root. There are other tactics out there, but the silent treatment is one I’ve noticed to be extremely common, normalized, and even joked about which I find to be scary. You may have given family, friends, and lovers the silent treatment in the past but once you know better, it is time to do better. The silent treatment is damaging and not constructive. Communication is key in all relationships. If you need space from someone, you have the right to do so but communicate that before you take your space. Be mindful because sometimes, there’s no going back.