Blood May Be Thicker than Water but not My Peace: Cutting Off Toxic Family Members

People look at you like a double-headed dragon when you tell them that you cut off a family member or your family in general. This comes as no surprise because society has always conditioned us to never "give up" on your family. Always put "family first". Although your reasoning for creating distance is warranted, you're still looked at as a pariah if you decide to do away with your blood. This conditioning has caused a lot of mental, emotional, and even physical trauma. I remember rushing to the Emergency Room straight out of the shower to tend to my mother because the stress of a family member sent her into a panic attack, which in first we thought was a heart attack. 

As I sat next to my mom and watched her looking so drained under those fluorescent lights, I thought to myself "that will never happen to me." Shortly after, she said out of her mouth after being given a stress test, "never again". I am personally estranged from my father and I got a little flack for it. No matter how much I explained how the relationship and how the inconsistency has affected me emotionally, and mentally throughout my life, and that  it was best to love him from a distance, The only defense people had was "that's your blood." The freedom I felt after being released from that relationship and also seeing what my mother was going through due to her own family, it solidified that I made the best decision for myself and to not feel guilty about prioritizing my peace. The people who don't understand, nor respect your decision aren't the ones dealing with the aftermath of keeping the relationship. They're sleeping at night because at the end of the day, it's not their problem to deal with. It is you who has to feel through and experience everything. So with that being said, your decision, your peace, is your responsibility and your decisions have to reflect that. 

There are other family members whom I've separated myself from because my peace couldn't afford their presence. They continued their toxicity after endless sit-downs and heart to hearts. Then there are some who did not respect my boundaries by purposely putting me in positions to where I'd be forced to associate with those I've expressed openly that I was distancing myself from; or they tried to guilt me into coming around spaces I knew that I am not welcomed or accepted. 

Quite a few of my readers have been in similar or even worst situations than me in reference to family, and parting ways with them. The most frequent question I receive is "Raven, am I wrong for not coming home for Christmas, or not coming around at all?". I'll break it down to you like this. If you get into a few arguments with a family member and now they're ostracized from your life then that's a communication issue. You can't just cut people off because they simply piss you off. A lot of teachable moments and valuable times fade away due to this. However, if you are constantly having conversations about respecting you and safety, then that's a bigger issue. Anyone who religiously makes you feel inadequate, insignificant, and less than worthy of respect, has to go. Anyone whose actions put you in physical or mental harm, has to go. Anyone who does not care nor acknowledge your feelings and how their actions affect you, has to go. There are a lot of people preparing themselves in the car to sit on the couches of people they are not at peace with. "That's just how they are" is no longer cutting it. They are walking into spaces where they aren't really safe or loved properly because they feel obligated to by blood. 

One of the most profound things I've heard was "You cannot choose how people love. However, you can choose if you want to accept it." If you are severing ties to honor yourself and your health, and it is not fueled by bitterness and unforgiveness, you are doing what's best for your life. Do not ever for a second feel guilty for choosing to live a quality life. Anyone who truly believes in family also believes in giving healthy love. Don't feel guilty by those who forced your hand.