“I’m just keeping it real” is probably one of the most common phrases people use to justify their invective energy towards you. Be wary of that. Of course, you want family and friends around you who are honest with you and tell you what you need to hear. However, there is a difference between being honest with someone and breaking someone’s spirit. Tough love is not synonymous with abuse. It is important to know who is trying to hold the mirror up to you so that you can know better and do better. It is even more important to know who is in your circle that is trying to make you feel like less than what you are and control you. Behind a lot of “I don’t sugar coat sh*t” people are underlying insecurities that they are ready to project upon you. Listed below are some feelings along with actions to pay close attention to. You have enough to persevere through in life. You don’t need nor can afford detrimental relationships, even if it’s family.
Do You Feel Deflated or Motivated After Speaking with Them?
“You’re getting fat” is not a greeting. “You’re probably going to always be single” is not advice. These kinds of comments make you feel as though something is inherently wrong with you. They are also discouraging. Someone telling you that you need to make time for yourself and adopt a healthier regimen is a better approach. Telling someone that they need to look within themselves and find the peace that they deserve is honest and encouraging. You don’t have to rip someone apart to provide awareness. One’s delivery clearly indicates if they are someone who wants to see you shine or if they just see an opportunity to push you down when you’re vulnerable. Someone who cares about you also cares about your emotional and mental health.
You Wonder If They Actually Like You After Interacting With Them
That “friend” that always makes jokes at your expense or points out your insecurities is someone you need to keep a close eye on. You vent to them in confidence and then they bring it up in a judgemental way later. You confront them about it and they tell you “I’m just being a friend, I’m not going to lie to you”. Yeah, you don’t want them lying to you but you don’t appreciate them making fun of the very thing you confided in them about either, especially in front of other people. They sound more against you than for you. They shame you. They call you “stupid” when you make a mistake. They roll their eyes when you speak. You fear to speak with them about your problems because you know an attack will follow. You wonder if they actually like you. You no longer feel comfortable coming to them to talk.
They Try to Talk You Out of Your Dreams
They act like your dreams sound stupid. You want to open up a boutique and they tell you “Everyone is starting a boutique. Don’t waste your time.” They shoot down your ideas. You get the vibe that they want to see you do well but not better than them. They’ll congratulate you on small victories but as far as things that will elevate you, such as starting a business, moving away to better your life, they discourage you and compromise the confidence you have in your dream. They say they’re “looking out for you” but in reality, they’re projecting their doubts onto you and trying to get you to doubt yourself as well. Someone who celebrates you and wants what is best for you will advise you to learn your craft, do your research, and be smart about your dream. They won’t tell you “Don’t go for it”.
They’re Negative
I’ve said this before and I will say this again. People who are at war with themselves are at war with everyone else. Keep negative people’s mouth off of your life. Do not give their words power. It is not coming from a good place because they’re not even in a good place. You’ll receive an attack that wasn’t even meant for you. They will be frustrated with work or their life in general then when they cross your path, they will try to tell you what all your flaws are. It’s not true. You were just collateral damage in their war. They aren’t going to celebrate you during their pity party. Don't feed into their words.
They “Know It All”
These stubborn people may not have ill-intentions, they just think they know everything. They’re still pretty draining nonetheless. They aren’t hearing you out or seeing your perspective because they are committed to their thoughts and their thoughts only. When they provide their critique, it is only coming through how they view things and how they feel. Things can change and they will still feel the same way. You struggled with procrastination however, you’ve been more prolific than ever. They will still label you as a procrastinator who has just been doing well lately. There’s no impressing these kinds of people. In their mind, acknowledging your growth is saying they were wrong. They will always find a defense for what they believe you are.
These are just a few characteristics of what critique from a bad source looks like. Many people have felt defeated from words by these kinds of people. It is important that you realize who they truly are and what kind of place they are really coming from. You should always want to grow and be open to constructive criticism. However, you should not be left feeling totally inadequate. You should walk away feeling like you know your weaknesses and the path to improvement is a promising one.
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