All The Things I Never Said

"I don't even know who you are anymore," I thought to myself as I looked in the mirror after washing my face. My eyes were bloodshot red due to very little sleep. I spent most of the night going through his Instagram and looking at his digital footprint of broken promises. My degree is in Mass Communications but you would've thought it was in Criminal Justice because I was more of a detective than a girlfriend in this relationship. 

I was physically tired as well as mentally. For once, I didn't have a paragraph to send. I didn't even have the energy to send him the screenshots of what I found. For the first time, I felt it in my spirit that I was just done. I texted him "You don't have to sneak anymore. You're free to continue to do what you've already been doing without coming up with lies to cover it." I unfollowed him, deleted his number, and didn't even read his response. I've heard it all. He's said it all. You can't manipulate someone who you don't have access to. 

I'm not going to lie, at first, I felt like a badass. I cut him off cold turkey. To drop someone you were joined at the hip to because you chose yourself would probably make anyone feel like a superwoman. Unbeknownst to me, this was going to come back to haunt me. 

Every intimate relationship I had after him, his presence appeared. I didn't realize how traumatic his mind games were. It's like he was haunting me. After being with him, I always felt like men were guilty until proven innocent. If a man hasn't called me in a couple of days then I assume there's someone else. When a man fills me up with compliments and talks about the future with me, I feel like he's trying to groom me. My trust was in shambles. 

One thing I know about closure is that it's something you have to give yourself. You have to learn how to close doors on your own. Not everyone is going to release you and not everyone is going to be sorry for hurting you. However, I realized that I missed a step in my "cold turkey" approach. To be clear, cutting him off was good. All he was going to do was try to lie his way back into my good graces. I missed one important step though, not only did I not acknowledge his response, I didn't acknowledge how his actions impacted me. I was just focused on pressing forward and I buried my feelings, trying to be Positive Patty. 

One night, I locked myself in my room without my phone or any other distractions. I pulled out my journal and wrote on top of the page

All the Things I Never Said...

Dear ______, 

1. You could have left me alone. I was doing fine before you. Who the hell are you to come interrupt  my life to take whatever you need?

2. Loving you was emotional labor 

3. Ya not that cute. Ya look dusty. Ya hair is uneven... 

4. I must forgive you and I must forgive myself for crying over broke men. 

5. It seems like the worst thing a woman can ever do to you is love you. It's like once you feel loved, your response is to crush her. 

6. Lying so much doesn't make your mouth dry?

7. You need to get that "Loyalty" tattoo covered up. It's false advertisement. 

8. Is this the kind of love you want your daughter to experience?

9. If you wouldn't want your mama to go through it, don't put other women through it. 

10. One day you're going to feel everything you put others through. 

Everything I wanted to say to him or didn't get to say to him, I wrote it down. I unleashed everything I felt on those pages. I almost went through two pens. Every feeling, emotion, and thought I stored away came through the ink. Once I was finally done, I read it, released, and went to the kitchen. I took the letter and burned it. I felt new. I got to say everything I wanted to say to him without engaging with him, running the risk of him looking into my eyes to lie. It would've drained me. I finally addressed my feelings and freedom began to ring throughout my body. I finally learned how to give myself closure.