A Two Parent Household Isn’t Always What’s Best for the Kids

As I constantly meet people throughout my life, the more the social constructs I believed growing up get debunked. I grew up hearing from society that one of the best things you can give your children is a two-parent home. However, I actually learned one of the best things you can give your children is a peaceful home that is an example of healthy boundaries and love. Some of the most broken people I’ve met came from two-parent households. Some of the most put together people I’ve met came from a household where their parents co-parented or only had one active parent. My observation initially surprised me but the more I grew to know them, the more I understood the outcome of their upbringing. Here’s what I found. 

One of my friends grew up in a household where his parents had terrible communication. The mother spent years trying to change a man who never desired to reach his full potential. If he ever put the effort in, it was the bare-minimum at most. He and his siblings grew up watching their mother overextend herself by working long hours, maintaining the household, and going out of her way to win her husband’s affection. Regardless of how financially stable the family was; the cool vacations, dinner parties, or dates he went on with his wife along with counseling sessions, he was unhappy and so was she. He and his siblings watching their mom accept less and constantly give without reciprocity, had an unhealthy effect on their perception of love when they grew up. As a result, they projected what they learned into their love lives. He put minimum effort into his relationships and expected the world back in return. He only had enough consideration for his needs and had no patience for proper communication. Any woman who took issue with his actions just seemed too demanding in his eyes. He subconsciously emulated what he grew up seeing. His parents finally divorced when he and his siblings moved out. He described his mom as “unrecognizable” after the divorce. He said her eyes looked so different. Her demeanor exuded joy. She seemed so alive. He realized that he was used to his mom being robot-like. He asked her if she is the happiest she’s ever been in decades, why didn’t she just leave? She told him that they decided to stay together for the kids. That made his heart sink because he remembered wishing often that they would get a divorce because the house was so tense. 

Another friend of mine grew up with a mother who controlled everything. She made all of the money, she took care of the household, and went to all the parent-teacher conferences. Her dad was a pretty dependent guy. He was very complacent. That drove her mother crazy. She would cut him up so badly with her words. Granted she had reasons to be frustrated but at one point she really broke his spirit and he fell into a depression. They brought the worst out of each other. When she grew up, she developed her mother’s mouth. She dated guys who were passive aggressive doormats. After she was through with them, they felt lower leaving than when they came in. She had a great relationship with her parents but learned their toxic ways of loving. When she confided in her dad about men, he told her that his biggest regret was staying where he wasn’t happy and not working on himself because he had nothing to give emotionally, mentally, and later on physically. That shook her world. 

Marriage is a beautiful thing but it’s not always forever. People change and the person you were 10 years ago was qualified for marriage but the person you are today isn’t, or at least the one you’re in now. That was the experience of the parents of someone I once dated. His parents began to realize how toxic their marriage was to their joy and their family. They decided to vow to be the best co-parents they can possibly be instead of vowing to continue to be married. He was 11-years-old when his parents decided that. I was shocked when he told me that it was a great experience. He got to have two rooms (both were decorated to his liking) and he loved having one on one’s with both of his parents because he bonded with the both of them on different things. He had good friends in two different neighborhoods that he is still friends with to this day. He stated that he liked his parents much better as people when they weren’t together. They were happy and more enjoyable to be around. He especially admired how respectful his father was towards his mother. He made sure that they had a great place to live. Anything broken around the house, he’ll suggest fixing it instead of her paying for someone else to do it. He just did those kinds of things out of the kindness of his heart. His mom would invite him over on holidays and special occasions. They got along so well. They had a genuine friendship. When they both remarried to great people, the four of them even created a bond. He never felt like he lost when his parents divorced. He felt like he gained. 

Lives like his are why I was never a fan of the term “broken home”. There are many people whose parents are not together, yet their households are filled with love and examples of healthy boundaries. One of my friends said that her mom leaving a toxic marriage made her mom so admirable in her eyes. Her mom’s courage taught her how to never settle for less and reclaim your happiness. Seeing how fulfilled her mother was and not letting her divorce define her did something to her self-esteem. She became her mother. She doesn’t accept anything half-hearted and she is courageous. She is always looking forward to the future because just like her mom, she knows that life has much more exciting things to offer looking forward. They both took the time to know themselves, loves themselves, and be complete. Now they are both in very healthy relationships.

In conclusion, children are more observant than you know. They see how you love yourself and how you love others. Whether intentionally or subconsciously, how they choose to love others stem from their experiences in their family dynamic. If you cannot show your children a happy marriage at least consider showing them happy and healthy boundaries. Divorce may hurt your children’s feelings, but I guarantee them watching their parents that they love so much live in misery and chaos hurts more. They want you to live, not just exist.