I Don't Feel Like Doing It but I'm Going to Do It Anyway

Let me share with you the horse pill I choked and cried to swallow down most of my adult life. The more I procrastinate, the longer I delay living the life I am supposed to have. When I had a long list of things I had to do, I'll write them down and then cut on Netflix. Here's the fun part, after 3 seasons in on a series I just had to start, I'd break down and rush to get done the things that I could've gotten done hours ago. Talk about self-sabotage, right? Then I realized why I was being a pizza eating, flick watching, sexy, sarcastic, procrastinator. I was scared. 

On the surface, I just seemed lazy and unmotivated but the truth is, I drained myself with anxiety. The things that I wanted to achieve seemed so impossibly attainable to the point where my mind would chicken out. My brain's defense mechanism to fear is to go for what's comfortable. There's no great risk in watching a series on Netflix. However, starting a small business meant that I had to invest time, energy, money, and still may fail. It wasn't that I wasn't capable nor able to donate energy to my goals. I was flat out scared. I was in love with the end result but not the process. I was in love with the idea of being a mini-mogul but not so fond about having to suffer and risk to become one. That was the root of my procrastination. We figured that out but wait, it gets more complex. 

I became even more miserable. One thing about your dreams is that they will haunt you. Your goals will demand your attention. I was drowning in "what if", feeling unfulfilled, and inadequate. Imagine waking up every morning with a vision board right in front of your bed with all these goals that you have done the bare minimum, if that, to achieve them.  It's one thing to say your affirmations and manifest something, but you have got to put some work behind those prayers. Faith without works is dead. I may be scared but I knew at that point, I just had to do it scared then. I could no longer sit there and just hope it'll happen for me. 

Ever since I started running towards what I wanted instead of running away from it, I began to feel substantially better. I wasn't just visualizing the woman I wanted to be. I was walking like her. I love my comfort but I love who I am becoming even more. I am willing to suffer to be her. I'd rather be in pain from growing than in pain from completely abandoning myself. One of the best things I've heard was "If I worked out every time I felt like it, I'd be a fat f*ck." Explicit but true. If we did things only when we feel like it we will have no consistency and no true results.  When we lose the limitations that we put on ourselves, push past all doubt, we will be surprised what comes out of the end of that. I'm not exactly where I want to be right now but I sure am much closer than what I was. I find joy in knowing that I am not delaying nor sabotaging myself. I don't feel like waking up at 5:00 AM to jump rope, nor do I feel like eating salmon when my co-worker next to me is eating Giordano's pizza. I don't feel like reading these boring business books with the little free time I do have. I don't feel like doing hours of research, and working on my brand after sitting at my desk all day. However, I am going to do it anyway. I owe it to myself.