I Am Not Your Grandma and I Will Not Stay: Loving Today vs Back in The Day

"Y'all give up too easily. My grandparents have been together for 50 years! My grandmother had to shoot him a few times but they worked through it!" We often hear critiques about our generation having a significantly higher divorce rate in comparison to our parents' and grandparents' generation. Honestly, you can say what you want but I don't want what a lot of our grandparents had. Also, I definitely don't want that ring with the spirit of unhappiness tied to it, passed down to my finger just because it's been in your family for generations. That may sound cold, but that ain't the only cold thing about all of this. Have we truly considered WHY the divorce rate was that low back in your mammy's day? Love has existed since the beginning of time, but what changed? I'll tell you what changed. 

Opportunity has changed. Many women married for survival. Before you judge, that was not women's fault. That was the structure of society. Most of their fathers wouldn't even approve of their daughter's marriage if the man could not financially support a family. The reason why money mattered so much in marriage is that there were rarely any opportunities for women to find jobs that paid enough for them to financially support a household. Women who did hold the same positions as men were grossly underpaid. In short, most women were held financially hostage. Note that decades of marriage does not equate to decades of happiness. This is why it's an unfair comparison to argue what adversity your grandmother was willing to work through when we tell you what we won't put up with. 

Another thing is, we prioritize happiness now as a society. The views about divorced women were awful. No matter what you went through in your marriage, divorce was still looked down upon. People also questioned you as a wife and what you did wrong. No one wants to be the Pariah in their community. Even if you didn't care and left your husband anyway, many of your loved ones still wouldn't help you because they felt that would mean they condone divorce. For example, some women will leave their husbands and run to their parents' house only to find their husbands sitting at the breakfast table the next morning, telling you it's time to come home. Unfortunately, the parents notified their son-in-law because regardless of how awful he may be, they felt divorce was more extreme. It's taken decades as a society for us to deprogram from that kind of thinking. We are now in a space where it is socially acceptable to prioritize your happiness without backlash from your community, friends, and family. Shoot, we throw divorce parties now. However, we do need to acknowledge that couples coming from older generations have a lot to unpack. A lot of those dated values are engrained in them and that's why some are still afraid to divorce today. 

In addition to prioritizing our happiness, we now have a more accepting society that allows us to do that in many facets. Back in the day, LGBTQ women and men were in heterosexual marriages because they had to, not because they wanted to. Not only did not being married raise suspicion, some thought that getting married will make being gay go away. The consequences of living in their truth were horrific. Apart from being ostracized from your family, friends, and community, it would cost them their livelihood and safety. So, many stayed in loveless marriages. Some even set up an arrangement with their spouses. For example, the wife will allow her husband to secretly continue a relationship with the man he loves on the condition that she can also have intimate relationships outside their marriage. It was much easier to step outside of your marriage in earlier times. There was no social media to catch people up and expose them. You can have a whole new life and family 30 miles down the road. 

Another unfortunate part of discrimination that impacted people's happiness was interracial dating/marriage. People disowned loved ones over choosing a partner outside of their race. People also harassed and tried to run interracial couples out of their neighborhoods. So, a lot of people ended up settling for partners in their race because their soulmates were of a different race. In short, a lot of people had to settle. 

In conclusion, we are fortunate enough to not have to settle. I am not saying true love didn’t exist back then but trust that things weren’t as peachy keen as they seem. Although we still have work to do, we have grown as a society. We no longer normalize abuse, patriarchy, and discrimination. We call it out and call for action. We also understand that a lasting marriage doesn't equate to a happy marriage. We are more understanding of divorce and don't frown upon it because we understand the purpose of having a quality life. We want to live and not just survive. We are more open about discussing feelings and we have way more safe spaces to do so. Also, women have vastly more opportunities to support themselves and their family. We aren't stuck. Lastly, we can be with whoever we want to be with now. Our society is way more accepting compared to previously when it comes to loving who you love. Of course, there are still ignorant people out there but fortunately, many activists fought and won for the right for us to be with who we want to be with regardless of race and gender. We've come so far so why settle? Settling TODAY is merely a choice.