What Does Forgiveness Look Like?

Forgiveness has undoubtedly been one of the most complex things that have taken me years to understand. People make it sound so cut and dry. We're taught that when someone hurts you, you sit down, talk it out, and move on. Often, their definition of moving on is trying to never bring it up again and keep on maintaining the relationship. But, what happens when they do it once more? Then down the line, it happens again? This time you may not want to talk. If we're being honest here, you want to do away with the relationship altogether. Then when people ask what happened between you and the other party because they always do, you express to them that you don't want that person in your life anymore. Usually, those people take it upon themselves to accuse you of not forgiving them and tell you that you need to. Sometimes, that creates pressure for us to "be the bigger person" and reach out to have another conversation. Deep down inside, you know it's not going to be productive and that this person's patterns have shown you who they really are, but you don't want to be an "unforgiving" bitter person. 

I wish someone would have told me a long time ago that it's okay for forgiveness to come with boundaries. I also wish that I understood earlier that forgiveness comes with layers and it doesn't always start with a sit-down. I learned through experience that just because we talk things out and leave things off on a better note, it does not mean we owe each other a space in our lives again. The reality is you ain't for everybody and not everyone is for you. My peace cannot afford everyone's presence. If you have shown a pattern in disrespecting and disregarding me, I have every right to forgive you and move on, but move on without you. Loving from a distance is not being petty, it is self-preservation. How many reward points do you have to spend at the coffee shop to talk about the same character behavior? Mistakes happen but once the same ones get repetitive, those are choices. We have to accept the fact that we can't just talk someone into change and loving us correctly. Our input may advise someone but the decision is up to them. Also, when someone decides to change it'll come out in what they do, what they say isn't as quantifiable. 

As mentioned earlier, I had to learn that forgiveness comes in layers. I learned this when life challenged me to forgive those that weren't sorry. After four hours, and 2 Columbian Cups of Coffee in the cafe, you still leave the table feeling unheard. It's so frustrating when you have perfectly articulated how you felt, backed it up with receipts, exercised patience, and they still don't get it. That's going to take time for you to sort out those feelings. That's hurt, anger, sadness, sprinkled with frustration. You find yourself in bed, flat on your back staring at the ceiling at 2 AM even though you crawled under the covers at 9 PM, because you're up thinking "How do they sleep knowing how they treated me?" Sis, the answer is with the fan on medium. That's when you realize that you physically and mentally cannot take any more sleepless nights and you're left with the responsibility you did not ask for, to start the process of forgiveness. 

It's a process even after you officially forgive. Contrary to many people's beliefs, it is normal to have an emotion behind the events involved with the person you forgave. Some people think that if you think about a point of time in your life and cry about it that means you didn't forgive. That's not necessarily true. I know I cry for others so of course, I'm going to cry for myself. I can watch a documentary and cry for someone I don't know because the situation is simply sad. It is okay to acknowledge a painful event in your life with emotion because you are not a robot. It does not erase the steps you've taken to forgive. You don't wish ill, harm, or revenge on the person but you simply find the situation sad. The best way I can compare this to is an infected wound. You've treated the infection (the unforgiveness and hatred) and the wound has scabbed. Yet, when you put a little pressure on it, it may still hurt. One day it won't hurt anymore but just because it still hurts a little doesn't dismiss the fact you got rid of the infection. 

In conclusion, forgiveness isn't as black and white as it's portrayed to be. That's why sometimes we question ourselves because your process of forgiveness may not look like what many of us are told the standard is. In all, just remember to be patient and kind to yourself through it all. Do not let anyone pressure you into not trusting your process because no one knows what's in your heart better than you.