You Are Allowed to Grow

One thing about life is that it’s always going. You are always facing something. As a result, the things you face, the events that happen, and the people you cross paths with, have some sort of impact on you whether you like it or not. Watching a loved-one fall ill may drive you into evaluating how well you’re taking care of your own health. That promotion may test your ability on working under pressure and managing stress. That relationship that failed miserably may bring to light some things you didn’t realize about yourself and also teach you about people and complex personalities. Regardless of what happens in your life, it can change you for the worst or the better. Hopefully, you are learning, healing, and growing. You are allowed to do that, and you do not need anyone to give you the clearance to do so. 

Stop Waiting Until You Go Through A Break Up to Be a Friend Again

Balance is important in all relationships. However, some people lack it. I think we all had a friend before that disappeared every time they got into a relationship. We may brush it off and say “that’s just them” but in reality, it isn’t right. You can’t just pick and choose when to be a friend to someone. That’s not how friendship is supposed to work.

There have been quite a few times where you’ve made plans with your friend and they flaked out or left early just to be with their significant other. There have been times when you called your friend for advice, or to just be a listening ear but their support was no longer available because they wanted to be on an 8-hour facetime call with their significant other. Getting their time was like playing the lottery. You never know when you’re going to get it.

Are You in Love or Infatuated?

Love is something you grow into and infatuation is something that you fall into. Infatuation is fleeting. It’s more emotional than a state of being. That is why infatuation burns out so quickly. There may be numerous things you like about a person but the physical attraction to them is the most intensifying. They love how you love them. They love the idea of being in love, but they truly do not love you. Once you hit a space where you may not show love in the same way, the relationship is gone. It was never you that they loved. They loved what you were giving them. That could be intimacy, support, time, words of affirmation and attention. Infatuation is always taking. Love doesn’t expect anything in return but organically gives reciprocity. Infatuation sounds like “I want you”. Love sounds like “I want us”.

The Strong Friend Who Asked For Help

I always felt like I didn’t owe anyone my story. In reality, I was embarrassed and still a little uncomfortable with how far I sank into a dark place. I am the “strong friend” that my friends and family come to vent to. I am even the friend that gives them motivation and makes them laugh. Nothing moves me, nothing shakes me. If they see me sad about anything which is rare, I’m back to talking, joking, and smiling the next day if not hour. That’s me on the surface at least. They didn’t know my social efforts were contrived. Just like you, I am a gem who has many facets. Unbeknownst to a lot of my family and friends, some of those sides were darker than others. Although I am grateful for my life, it wasn’t an easy one at all. I pushed myself through pain and focused on moving forward by telling myself that the future is going to be so much better. Everything that I ever went through will be worth it. Then the future came. I sat there, post-graduation feeling unfulfilled in what I worked so hard towards, whilst being drained from yet another disappointing, failed, romantic relationship. My phone buzzing with people who needed my help when I didn’t even have the energy to wash my own hair. The cloud of obligation raining down on me. Sallie Mae was mailing me consistently to remind me of the promise I made them almost 4 years ago.  The tactic I used to push forward “The future is going to make up for everything” no longer worked because here I was. I never felt so stagnant. When I closed my eyes and try to visualize the future, it looked gray. Fear slowly flooded in and I blocked it with everything I could think of. I listened to music, worked out, watched motivational speeches, said my affirmations but for the first time in my life I realized that this wasn’t enough. I can’t get myself out of this one by myself. As independent as I think I am, I am no island. I was so use to self-medicating myself I didn’t realize that I was really just living in a land of avoidance.  I couldn’t read it away, write it away, drink it away, or fuck it away. Nothing was enough. Nothing felt good anymore. I felt like I was just existing.

My Pain Had Purpose

I sat in the dark with a tall cup of Jameson in my right hand and Coltrane's saxophone blasting in my left ear. I asked myself “When was the last time you were able to just breathe?" Then my entitlement kicked in. I thought all my positive efforts were quantifiable. I thought about how many times I was nice to people and they still hurt me. I thought about how many times I poured hard work into things just to be left feeling empty. I reminded God that my GPA was great all through high-school and college and that I even graduated early as if he wasn’t there for it all. I couldn’t understand why someone who was always advanced, exercised integrity and worked hard like I was told to do all my life, struggled to find her purpose, let alone a job that didn’t pay in gum. Then in reflective thought, I examined all the things I went through in my life and what came out of it. 

Talking is Not The Same as Taken

Committing prematurely will bring you a world of hurt. It is imperative that you learn boundaries and apply them to all relationships in your life. Many times, we meet someone we are really into and instantly think of ourselves as “off the market”. They look great, smell better, can charm your pants off, and sometimes if you let your mind race long enough, you can see you all’s wedding day. Slow down, baby. This is where we mess up. We set these expectations that aren’t aligned with where we truly are in terms of the kind of relationship we have with a person. You find yourself doing relationship things for someone who is not yours. You’re letting them drive your car. You’re building a relationship with each other’s families. You’re spending serious money on each other and taking trips. Some people even join their finances together. You end up reserving yourself for only that person. You stop meeting people, going out, trying to be considerate of a relationship that doesn’t even exist. It’s like credit. It looks like yours but it’s not really yours yet. 

Social Media Does Not Ruin Relationships. It Tests Your Integrity.

Social Media has the ability to give a false sense of security. You’re likely to feel more confident messaging that crush that you’ve always had and liking a few of their pictures, as opposed to walking right up to them and telling them that you like them, with the possibility of being rejected face to face. Social Media tends to amplify people’s true desires which is why it’s one of the best things to ever happen in the world of advertisement. Do you want to know a little bit about yourself? Look at your search history and what’s being advertised to you. The choices you make on the internet are merely a part of a reflection of you. This is where accountability comes into play. 

You may have commonly heard “Social Media Ruins Relationships”. That statement alone tells you what kind of person you are talking to. They don’t take accountability for their actions. They blame outside factors. I personally hate when someone hides behind that claim. “Facebook ruins relationships"… Mark Zuckerberg did not message Big Booty Brenda “You up?” At 1:00 am on your behalf. That was you. That is what you desired to do. Facebook was just the platform you used to do it. Regardless of the platform, that is what you wanted to do. 

A Two Parent Household Isn’t Always What’s Best for the Kids

As I constantly meet people throughout my life, the more the social constructs I believed growing up get debunked. I grew up hearing from society that one of the best things you can give your children is a two-parent home. However, I actually learned one of the best things you can give your children is a peaceful home that is an example of healthy boundaries and love. Some of the most broken people I’ve met came from two-parent households. Some of the most put together people I’ve met came from a household where their parents co-parented or only had one active parent. My observation initially surprised me but the more I grew to know them, the more I understood the outcome of their upbringing. Here’s what I found. 

One of my friends grew up in a household where his parents had terrible communication. The mother spent years trying to change a man who never desired to reach his full potential. If he ever put the effort in, it was the bare-minimum at most. He and his siblings grew up watching their mother overextend herself by working long hours, maintaining the household, and going out of her way to win her husband’s affection. Regardless of how financially stable the family was; the cool vacations, dinner parties, or dates he went on with his wife along with counseling sessions, he was unhappy and so was she. He and his siblings watching their mom accept less and constantly give without reciprocity, had an unhealthy effect on their perception of love when they grew up. As a result, they projected what they learned into their love lives. He put minimum effort into his relationships and expected the world back in return. He only had enough consideration for his needs and had no patience for proper communication. Any woman who took issue with his actions just seemed too demanding in his eyes. He subconsciously emulated what he grew up seeing. His parents finally divorced when he and his siblings moved out. He described his mom as “unrecognizable” after the divorce. He said her eyes looked so different. Her demeanor exuded joy. She seemed so alive. He realized that he was used to his mom being robot-like. He asked her if she is the happiest she’s ever been in decades, why didn’t she just leave? She told him that they decided to stay together for the kids. That made his heart sink because he remembered wishing often that they would get a divorce because the house was so tense. 

I Don't Need Your Apology to Move On

I’ve learned that there is power in a proper apology but not as much as you think. It’s your responsibility to move on. No one can make you stop dwelling on anything. As easy as it is said than done, you control your thoughts. I remember sitting down with people who’ve hurt me, waiting for their apology to free me. The apology may have been a genuine one, but I still struggled to move past the things that they did to me. I spiraled down a hole filled with thoughts of “Why did they do what they did?”  “Why did they think it was warranted?” and “Did I do anything to attract it?” I kept reliving it no matter how many times they said “sorry”. That’s when I realized that my push forward isn’t going to come from the hands that hurt me. Even if it felt a little bit better, the rest was up to me. 

Signs That You Are Changing For The Better

10. Your Body Rejects Negativity 

Gossip no longer excites you, if anything it sickens you. You cannot stand walking into a room with tension. You feel it in the pit of your stomach. Your ears bleed when you hear a lot of complaining and you can only take negative people in small doses. You feel energized around peace. You seek positivity because it makes you feel good all over. 

9. You Feel the Strong Urge to Experience New Things 

You are breaking out of your comfort zone. You're in love with being inspired. You want to try new foods, go to places you’ve never been and learn a new hobby. You find new experiences invigorating. That thing you always wanted to do but you were too scared to, is now on your to-do list for today.  

8. You are No Longer Interested in the Past 

You stop practicing in your head the conversation you’re going to have with your ex when he sends you a “Hey Big Head” text. Haters are no longer your motivators. You don’t need to prove anyone wrong because you don’t need their validation. Loving yourself is enough for you. You’re no longer lurking on the social media pages of people who hurt you to see if they are suffering yet. Revenge is no longer gratifying for you, your mind is focused on other things. Watching yourself reach your full potential is what thrills you. 

Dear friend, We Can't Forgive Your Sucky Boyfriend as Quickly as You Do.

3 mimosas in and  the girls and I are listening to reason #384 our dear friend is “done with him.” This Brunch is about to turn into dinner if we are here another hour. She paints us a vivid picture of his manipulation, lies, and deceit. We also know his financial status, family drama, and his unmotivated, tail-chasing friends.  Maybe if we sit here long enough, we’ll know his social security number too. If she was recruiting us to #TeamHateMyBoyfriend she reached her goal. We established long ago, while my waffles were still hot, that her boyfriend is trash. Brunch ends exactly on that note and before we leave we make plans for this upcoming Saturday night. 

Throughout the week we text our excitement to get our girl out of the house, look cute, and meet someone new so that the next time we go to Brunch, the conversation will be some good news about a good man. She agrees. 

Cute Fun Dates That Don’t Involve Netflix and Alfredo

Nowadays people will Netflix and alfredo you to death. It’s time to bring some originality and effort back into dating. If you’re stumped don’t worry, I got y'all. Here are a few ideas. 

     10.  Comedy Bar 

Laughter is an important ingredient to love. Laugh together at a cute comedy bar in the city. You’re a few clicks away on google to the best one around you. The worst case scenario is the comedy sucks but at least the two of you can laugh about it. This will also make a cute first date. Comedy is a great Icebreaker. 

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Sex Too Soon?

We sat at the bar, spilling tea and sipping mimosas. Every time my girls and I get together the conversations are always thought provoking regardless if they were ever intended to be. One of my girls went on to tell us about this amazing guy that she met who asked her out at 12pm instead of 12am. She was blushing whilst naming all the incredible qualities he possesses, he’s an answered prayer. Mid-sentence, my other candid girlfriend abruptly asked “So, did y’all fuck?” She instantly hopped off of cloud nine and back to the ground to answer her question. “No, we did not “fuck” because I want him to respect me” she says in a tone that screams “duh”. “Being a sexual being doesn’t devalue you.” My girl snapped back. The dialogue continued but after hearing both sides, which both had valid points, I developed my own thoughts. Is there a such thing as having sex too soon? Yes. Is your value contingent on how quickly you choose to have sex? No. Before you scratch your head, re-read this, and let out a big “HUH?” let me explain.

What Happens When You Surround Yourself with Quality Friendships

A big part of life is overcoming. There are always giants you have to face in life. When you knock one down, the next one is ready for face-off. That’s why it’s imperative to have quality people around you. You have enough to fight. You need support and love. That’s where quality friends come into play. They are transformative. Here’s what happens when you surround yourself with quality friendships. 

1. You Feel Protected

No one feels comfortable speaking ill about you to your quality friends. If they do, those friends quickly remind them why they shouldn’t. Your quality friends love you in your face and behind your back. They know the treasures inside of you are so precious and will protect them by all means necessary. They don’t take kindly to anyone spitting on your name or bringing any harm towards you and your light. If you are wrong, they tell you privately but in public you all are a united front. Defending you and everything that you are, comes without hesitation.